RELATIONSHIP WISDOM By Moses Gracefilled

Moses Gracefilled and Wife

The popular saying that if a man loves a woman, he will chase her up and down is not entirely true. That is an assumption not based on any solid scientific research. You can’t take a small sample of men to represent the generality of all men. It’s an untested hypothesis. 

Everything depends on the personality of the man, his upbringing, personal insecurities and complexes, social skills and disposition. Some men are chasers. Some are not. In fact the majority of good and godly men are reserved and cautious. They are not active chasers. 

Most good men don’t pursue women. They want to build a relationship based on mutual attraction and interests. That takes away the fear of rejection. It makes both parties secure. The key is mutual attraction and interest. I repeat MUTUAL INTEREST AND ATTRACTION. 

Most men who pursue women are players. They see it as serial conquests. They use it to boost their egos and validate their attractiveness. They see every new woman as a challenge to conquer and a project to accomplish. They put on all their social charms and prowess into the pursuit. They can cross the ocean and spend anything in order to have the particular woman. Once they do, they lose interest, change and move on to the next adventure. They boast about their conquest to their peers and idolize their social maneuvering and manipulative skills and abilities. The woman is left wondering, I thought he loved me, blah blah. Because she does not understand the way such men think and how solid relationships are built. She gets her heart broken again and again and then concludes all men are evil. The problem is that she keeps attracting only the same type of men because of her pattern of behavior and assumptions. 

Women don’t understand this and they are usually left broken-hearted most of the time. Pursuit does not always equal love except it’s self centered kind of love to satisfy base desires. Any animal can pursue what it wants to eat. A lion pursuing an antelope vigorously does not translate to love in any way. 

A good man will show interest and then try to see if there is a reciprocal interest from the female. That will either encourage him to make a bold move or hold back. Most good men will always need a green light to proceed in any relationship. Most times they just respond to the signals they already perceived in the first place. Such relationships always last longer. Relationships are dynamic and the more there is mutual attraction and interest, the easier the bond and strength of the relationship. 

“He who finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord”.  Yes it’s true and it’s scripture. However a woman is not a thing. A wife is a person. She is not like a diamond or rubies. She is not an inanimate object. She is a person with a will, desires, intelligence and interests. You can’t find her except she wants to be found. We can’t take scripture out of context and benefit from them. We must recognize the social settings in which this scripture interplays and interpret it based on the dynamics of human relationships and society. 

In the scripture, most marriages were actively influenced by the women or they actively cooperated with the process. Rebecca came to Isaac without ever seeing him. Abigail went to David without a moment hesitation or negotiation. Ruth went to Boaz and approached him for marriage. Eve was brought to Adam. We must stop stereotyping all relationships and be open to wisdom and follow the flow. All the relationship models we have in scripture clearly shows active interest and cooperation from the females. And the general teaching by relationship coaches that men must always initiate relationships with women is not necessary for everyone. In fact it’s one of reason many godly women don’t get married early. 

The man should do his part and the woman should do her part by being friendly, kind, available and actively involved. 

Meanness and pride are not a fruit of the Spirit. You can’t seat on your high horse waiting for men to come grovel to you in order to prove their love and then find true love. You will get only weak men, players, and visionless men. You will not find any serious minded man behaving like that. Goodness and kindness are the fruit of the Spirit. That is what attracts godly men.